Lately I’ve had a creative block again.

I don’t know why it runs in these cycles.

I honestly feel I need to find I guess a group or something that will make me continue to write.

But all I can do at the moment is consume.

Everyday I refresh YouTube and watch content from my favs. About a year ago I cleared out a lot of channels I stopped caring about or whom stopped making content but lately it’s been going back up again. I don’t even know why I do it.

I feel it’s more like… I don’t want to think about doing something on my on so I refresh and see what others have done. Then I get bummed out and keep refreshing. Even lately though there’s nothing to watch, or the opposite there’s too much to watch. I can’t watch it all during the day, so I save tabs for the next. So I have preloaded content so I don’t have to think about my own.

I really don’t know why my mind is doing this and it’s frustrating.

I think this is really bothering me now because my roommate has started writing himself. Started writing a story he wanted to a while back and he’s multiple chapters in…

I’ve never been multiple chapters in a story. I typically can’t get past the first chapter, or even the first few paragraphs.

I guess I need to look at why I want to create again. Do I want to do it for fame and money, no not really. Do I want to do it for myself… yes…

This hesitation bothers me though. I want to do it for myself of course but there’s something there that just feels off.

I want to be the dreamer that I was when I was a kid. I just think modern society has killed that dreamer. If you do anything it has to be for profit otherwise you are wasting your time. I guess since I must be wasting my time might as well actually waste it then. Watch more crap, consume more media, feel horrible about it and then binge so more because of it. It’s like feeding your emotions with media rather than food (what I used to do before glp1s).

Maybe this is a sign that I seriously need to look into ADHD meds as well. I need my mind to stop being a storm and need it to be clear for once. So I can focus on the things I truly desire to do.

Cyan

This weekend/week I have been hit by something I thought I wouldn’t get because everyone who had gotten it at work were all experiencing sinus related issues and from years of using multiple sinus meds most sinus related illnesses I have basically not really gotten.

I used to get the annual seasonal change allergy based sicknesses before I had my sinuses more in check (thanks Flonase for fixed that), and it usually knocked me down for a couple of days and I got back up.

This one feels different. I have been tried constantly, weak, super dizzy, and had a fever, but nothing sinue related at all. I honestly think it’s turned into a ear infection which I will probably go and check out today.

This post though wasn’t just to rant about this health event, it was more on my health in general.

Lately I have been taking GLP1s. And it’s been honestly great. I feel healthier and better than I have in years. I don’t feel winded when doing very basic things anymore. I have more energy than I used to. I genuinely feel good. And even for once feel happy.

Which is why I think this sickness hurts as much as it does right now. I feel more vulnerable than I have in a while.

I used to call in almost once every other week before losing the 50lbs I have lost just because I felt like crap, but since losing the weight I have rarely called off comparatively.

This just makes me feel like I am going backwards though.

I know brain being brain and making me think stupid thoughts. I shouldn’t blame myself on getting sick especially since I have been feeling so much better. I should blame my co-workers XD.

But seriously it’s just what goes through your mind sometimes that makes things just… stick.

I am really not happy that I am sick, but I am getting better and I can’t help the fact that illnesses can and do make people sick even if they think they are immune. It’s just frustrating to think though that I guess I feel like I am letting others down when I do get sick even though I can’t help it. I am trying and I certainly am getting much better than I used to be. And I know this is just a illness and not a just feeling like shit kind-of thing.

Anyway that’s it.

Cyan

I forget how difficult it is to just be able to find the time to be able to sit down and write anymore.

In fact it feels difficult to find the time for much of anything, even though I do have time just… not a lot of it. Work, transit, sleep then an hour before work and three hours after, eating. It feels like all my time is taken up and the remaining time I want to either spend with my family or watch videos on YouTube (I really have an addiction I feel).

What I would like to do is spend some of that time being creative, but generally my mind wanders off whenever I try doing that.

The easiest distraction.

A world of unseen content.

A trap.

Lately I had been following along on a game making tutorial for Godot, and I was quite enjoying it. But something in my mind always stops me.

Why do you stop me?

It feels like an endless cycle. Find something I enjoy but takes work, don’t want to do work, find something that takes no work, do that instead.

Why accomplish something that no one will see or enjoy when you can watch other accomplish things?

I feel everything is being sucked dry of it’s creativity, it’s usefullness, and all that remain are husks of what could have been. People using easy fixes to get mediocre accomplishments made not by themselves but by machines that don’t have anything behind them but years of text and no context, no emotion, no soul behind it.

“It’s just a tool” but when you rely on it to do everything then it’s just the artist, that steals art and literally copies it. It doesn’t come up with anything new it just regurgitates what was.

One could say the same thing about following a tutorial. And yes you probably could, but at the same time this tutorial feels more like a classroom then I ever have seen anywhere else online. They walk you through the code, walk you though the steps for making everything, and even give you homework. Of course since I am watching them one after the next the homework is not something I have done yet (not that I really did a lot of the homework when I was younger too XD).

This tutorial is taught by a person showing the steps they went through to make their and helping others do the same.

That’s what’s different. They have a voice, they are sharing that voice with us. Adding to the chorus. Not just playing back a recording.

I think this is also what I like to find on YouTube. Voices of real people doing real things. Being creative. Being nerds. Being philosophical.

And I have to admit I admire these people, and also am jealous, and feel let down by myself.

I never felt like I have accomplished anything and whenever I try I feel I could never live up to these imaginary standards I set for myself.

But the more I see people revoking the fake the more hope I get from it. The more creative I feel. The more I want to do the creating.

Cyan