I forget how difficult it is to just be able to find the time to be able to sit down and write anymore.
In fact it feels difficult to find the time for much of anything, even though I do have time just… not a lot of it. Work, transit, sleep then an hour before work and three hours after, eating. It feels like all my time is taken up and the remaining time I want to either spend with my family or watch videos on YouTube (I really have an addiction I feel).
What I would like to do is spend some of that time being creative, but generally my mind wanders off whenever I try doing that.
The easiest distraction.
A world of unseen content.
A trap.
Lately I had been following along on a game making tutorial for Godot, and I was quite enjoying it. But something in my mind always stops me.
Why do you stop me?
It feels like an endless cycle. Find something I enjoy but takes work, don’t want to do work, find something that takes no work, do that instead.
Why accomplish something that no one will see or enjoy when you can watch other accomplish things?
I feel everything is being sucked dry of it’s creativity, it’s usefullness, and all that remain are husks of what could have been. People using easy fixes to get mediocre accomplishments made not by themselves but by machines that don’t have anything behind them but years of text and no context, no emotion, no soul behind it.
“It’s just a tool” but when you rely on it to do everything then it’s just the artist, that steals art and literally copies it. It doesn’t come up with anything new it just regurgitates what was.
One could say the same thing about following a tutorial. And yes you probably could, but at the same time this tutorial feels more like a classroom then I ever have seen anywhere else online. They walk you through the code, walk you though the steps for making everything, and even give you homework. Of course since I am watching them one after the next the homework is not something I have done yet (not that I really did a lot of the homework when I was younger too XD).
This tutorial is taught by a person showing the steps they went through to make their and helping others do the same.
That’s what’s different. They have a voice, they are sharing that voice with us. Adding to the chorus. Not just playing back a recording.
I think this is also what I like to find on YouTube. Voices of real people doing real things. Being creative. Being nerds. Being philosophical.
And I have to admit I admire these people, and also am jealous, and feel let down by myself.
I never felt like I have accomplished anything and whenever I try I feel I could never live up to these imaginary standards I set for myself.
But the more I see people revoking the fake the more hope I get from it. The more creative I feel. The more I want to do the creating.
Cyan