Cyan Gear

I’ve always been a dreamer. One that can imagine worlds beyond belief, and then somehow integrate it into one idea. When I was younger I was full of ideas, and full of passion to produce them. I would write up stories of machines that could make your dreams real, or a blind mage who sees through magic to help his daughter. In college I even got a couple of pieces published. 

My favorite piece I wrote was a two and a half page story. It was the intro to an interactive story, or what would now be called narrative roleplay. It is the best thing I have ever written.

I was inspired by my post modern literature class. Reading through Mao II inspired me. There’s something about literature that just hits you in a way that you can’t fully explain. You need it, you devour it, and when you are done you are different. I’ve had this happen multiple times with literature. In High School it was the first time I read Brave New World. We were supposed to read a chapter at a time, but when I got to reading it I couldn’t put it down. I read the whole book over a weekend.

I’ve always had a love of books. I’ve never been the jock type, but really wasn’t the nerdy type either, guess I just didn’t know the right nerds then. But books were always my escape. For one Christmas when I was really young my mom got me the whole set of the Narnia chronicles. I pretty sure that started my devouring. Just seeing Mr Tumnus beside the lamppost in the middle of a snowy forest just set my mind ablaze. I also read through the Wrinkle in Time series, probably also why I love time travel stories. When I got to high school I went to the library looking for something else to devour something to fill the craving. I asked the librarian about something similar to the Narnia stories and she suggested The Hobbit. You can guess what happened then.

I’m saying this as consumption cause that’s how it feels nowadays, but really it was a mind expanding that was occurring. I went to college, the first time, because I wanted to be a writer and something got lost on the way. There was the constant talk of how I was supposed to make money off of this. I didn’t care for boring writing, I wanted fiction, but business only wants boring writing even then. This was way before AI started mucking about but we will get there. Even then it was all about what can you do for someone else that will get you money. Don’t get me wrong I always wanted to provide entertainment of some sort (will talk about college part deux shortly) but business doesn’t want fun. They want to devour your soul (insert always have meme here).

I graduated with an English degree and a minor in Philosophy, which honestly I wanted to continue just a bit longer to make it a major in Philosophy as well but was coaxed by the counselor that I could graduate now if I wanted to. Honestly it felt more like a “we’re done striping you of money please leave” if anything. And now that I had this glorious degree what do I do… work retail. I mean I had been working retail for years at this point in order to pay for college so now with that done I just didn’t stop. Why… because “what can you do with a BA in English…” “Four years of college and plenty of knowledge has earned me this useless degree” (thanks Avenue Q for that).

When I wrote I filled the papers with my dreams, I then showed these dreams to others and typically got a “that’s nice”. No, oh I really liked this but maybe you could add something here, no grammar or corrections, nothing ever seemed to be bad, it was just okay. And after a while nothing was okay. How can I be a writer when everything is just fine, just nice, just okay. College and High School was where I got learn, and get the thoughts in my head out of my head. It was where I could dream freely. As an adult you just can’t do that. Your dreams had to bring in the big bucks, you dreams had to bring home the bacon… they had to at least pay the bills. Dreams feel like they die when you become an adult, or maybe that’s the process of becoming an adult, learning that you have to kill your dreams in order to survive.

A few years back… okay about 10 years or more back, I had a “decent” job. I was a receptionist/admin assistant in a financial firm. You know a “regular” job, not some lowly kids job like in retail. I hated it. I didn’t realize how much I hated it until I was laid off from it after about 5 years. Honestly that felt like my rock bottom. It was the first thing I felt I failed, first thing I really majorly completely utterly failed. I was highly depressed for about a week or two and then one morning I woke up and realized I didn’t have to go to work anymore… and that was one of the happiest moments in my life. This was a mental break that I needed and one that brought me back to my creativity.

And this is where College part deux comes in. So I got a pretty decent severance package which helped me for a bit (mostly get rid of a lot of debt I had) but I needed to get a job. I went back to retail but this time the end goal was different. IT was to once more help pay for college, or well help me pay bills while I used loans to pay for college. I signed up at Columbia College and started taking game design classes. I still wanted to tell stories but part of the journey of growing up with books was also growing up with games. And honestly I feel some of the earlier games were a lot more like books where you still have input but you have to imagine yourself into the story or even make the story for some games. Of course by the time I went back to college games were visual novels at this point, movies you could play, art for the sake of… well money, but also art. I wanted to try my hand in this. I grasped that forgotten creative bone and danced with it. I felt like I was alive again. Four years is so short. And once more here I am working retail (slightly better than some retail but still retail).

Someone recently made me realize something that I had forgotten. The reason we create is not for someone else it’s for you. You create things because it’s fun, because you love it. It doesn’t have to be about money, it just needs to be. I have been constantly struggling with my art, my passion, because I felt that I had to make money off it. That the only way to be a writer is to make money off writing. And I never felt good enough. I never trusted myself to be able to write something that would be more than just fine. I wanted something amazing, something spectacular, something perfect, but writing isn’t perfect, art isn’t perfect it just is. So I think I am going to just try to be for a while, and see if I can create something magical once more. See if I can pour my dreams into a project and just let it be.

Cyan

Every time I get the creative urge to do something all my ideas for things come to the surface wanting to be done. I have multiple games, multiple websites, multiple stories just waiting to be created and I just get overwhelmed by everything I want to do. The sad thing when I get this way it makes me not want to do any of them because I get stuck at what I want to do first.

Then there’s media. Right now I have multiple YouTube channels I follow and honestly when I can’t motivate myself to do something I just go there to not do anything. I’m realizing it more and more that I use YouTube as a escape. I am constantly refreshing it to find new content, and honestly I really don’t care.

It does help that during the week I barely have time to myself to do things. I get home, eat with my roommate, maybe have 30 minutes before bed and then start the day cycle all over again. Also having an hour commute one way doesn’t help. I do like my job but it doesn’t fulfill a creative need from me.

I want to organize my thoughts some where but everything is now a subscription service or drained for AI or some other BS that just makes it so disheartening to create anything anymore.

Also yes been another year since I have posted anything and this is basically why.

Cyan

Lately I have found many really good games, both in game play and in story. One being Blue Prince and the other being Clair Obscur: Expedition 33. Both completely different games that redefine genres and games in general.

Blue Prince was the first one I played and is amazing. It’s like if you mixed Myst with a board game in the good way. My only complaint would be the randomness of the draws but otherwise it is highly recommended and super fun. I love all the deep lore in this game and finding out all the puzzles.

Now Clair Obscur: Expedition 33 is much different. It’s a classic JRPG style game, that is very French and has an cool mechanic in the timed battles where you can dodge, jump, and counter attacks from your enemies which from what I hear is necessary in later game.

Both I love for story so far though. Exp33 is a trippy jaunt through a painted world, and Blue Prince has hints of rebellion all throughout. And all it does is make me want to make my game.

So I haven’t done much with my game lately… well that’s not exactly true I have been writing some basics to it. I have a decent start to the story but I think I need more. And with Final Fantasy Tactics, one of my inspirations for my game, I have a decent start but feel I need some more personal weight to the character.

I already have him starting and being taken by military forces because they think he’s a protestor/rioter, even though he was just passing by on his way to work, and him meeting another character whom he befriends, and I think I want to make that similar to Delitas and Ramza, but maybe a bit more spicy. Otherwise I have the ideas for a great typical RPG so I think it should be good. The only real issue is… working on it. I will keep plugging at it though cause I really want to do something with it rather than just having sit in my head.

Cyan

It’s been a while again…

So I’ve been trying…

You know it’s hard. Everything is so hard now. I keep wanting to do the things but it so much easier to just not, so much easier to fall right back into comfort zones. In order to grow though, in order to pursue the things you love you have to get uncomfortable. I know all the things I should do and yet…

So a friend told me what motivation really was. Honestly I always thought I was motivated but never had the drive to do. But motivation is the doing. Motivation is the act of accomplishing something. I never had the motivation in the first place.

I am venting right now because I need to get this out, a form of self care I guess. I needed to write out my feelings just to write honestly. I do have creative outlets, like D&D every Friday and Saturday nights, which has been awesome. And spending time with my roommate has helped me through a lot. This year has sucked so bad and I know it’s only going to get worse for a while, but I feel that we can get through this. I hope we can.

I haven’t lost hope, not yet, which I guess is the optimist in me, but hope feels like it’s hanging on by a thread. The world right now sucks, but luckily my job seems okay for now. My roommates… not so much but for now he’s okay. We are taking it one day at a time and trying not to worry about the future, cause if we worry too much about the future we will fall into despair.

Trying to do the things I want to do is difficult though. When trying to look to the future to accomplish something new, I guess strikes me with fear and apprehension. I want to do the things but I at the same time don’t. I guess why I have always liked retail. It’s a repetitive job that always needs to be done. Someone messes something up so you clean it to have someone once more mess it up. It’s a simple cycle that has no end so therefore you know what to expect. Going into something new, you don’t know what to expect. I’m afraid. I’m not even sure of what exactly. Fear of success, of having people looking to you for the answer, to rely on you specifically. Fear of failure, of never accomplishing your dreams, of seeing everyone else around you being successful and know you would never be able to accomplish anything like this. Fear of rejection, of no one accepting who I am, though most of those fears a squashed years ago, for the most part I don’t give a fuck what people think of me… but then… Fear of missing out, of seeing people you look up to hanging out with friends, spending money, enjoying life, while I am just feeling miserable at home not able to get away from a screen cause it’s the only comfort I have anymore.

I talked to my therapist this week and basically, this. I haven’t been honest to myself about how I have been feeling lately nor really honest with her for a while until that session. Or maybe…

Really I like my therapist because all I do is just talk and she listens. That’s what I need right now. Someone who has no connection to me but can listen and give me advice and tell me I’m a good person. It’s good hearing it from friends but better when it’s a stranger basically. She not being paid to tell me that I am a good person, she is paid to tell the truth, and I think that’s why it hits so much harder when she tells me things like I need more self care, I need to take care of my health, and that I am a good person.

It’s also been hard without that little fuzzy bundle of love. I felt with him around at least there was something more than just my roommate. I mean yeah I like having the freedom now, not having to worry about the lil guy, but at the same time if you don’t partake in that freedom are you really free.

Anyway I felt like I needed to write all this down cause I have had a lot on my mind lately, for obvious reasons.

So in other news. A friend whom I hadn’t talked to in years contacted me out of the blue about a month or so ago and started chatting with me. It is interesting that I seem to be a trans magnet sometimes too as they told me they were trans as well. I am glad they found me though. I was a little embarrassed previously cause I did some stupid things in my youth when they were around and was happy to have laughed it off with them XD (they made a comic about it, lets just say don’t go back to your room at a furcon when you’re roommate is sick and fool around). The thing about it is I was so embarrassed about this that I pretty much lost contact with them because of it, well with other reasons too, that was just the main thing I remembered.

Anyway we started talking and come to find out they are working on a game and asked if I wanted to join them and I said sure. My only issue… you know that wall of text I just wrote… yeah…

I have been trying to work with Godot, which is what their game is based in, and honestly it’s been slow going. I keep distracting myself and never finish what I start. So I need to force myself to work past these boundaries.

One of my favorite youtubers just had their 10 year anniversary episode and explained how they got to the point was because of the art and the passion. It wasn’t the working for money, wasn’t the need to prove themselves, but for the enjoyment, the love of the art. I haven’t honestly haven’t felt that in years. There’s a new Interactive Story type site based on Rewall that I was also invited to but I haven’t been able to join it either. Honestly with that though I feel there’s already so much lore I feel weird stepping in the middle of something I don’t have some vague awareness of since I have never read the Redwall series (I know bad furry).

It’s odd to say that I don’t have that passion anymore but honestly I think it’s more I have too much passion for some many things that maybe I have burnt myself out. My own thoughts are filled with my own projects that I can’t fill it with more until I get some of these out, and I can’t get some of these out because I am drowning in my fears and these projects are the waters drowning me.

*deep sigh*

Anyway this is still going to be my stepping stone to get out of my head. Help someone else with a project of their own. Maybe helping them will help myself get out of this funk. Let’s hope.

Cyan

Yesterday I had to put my kitten, Hessian, to sleep. He had diabetes and had lived a really long life but the last few days he had been suffers and yesterday he wouldn’t or couldn’t eat and could barely move.

We hoped he would get better during the day as we had to go get tires and didn’t realize it’d take 3 to 4 hours to get those changed, so while out we went to see Wicked. Wicked was surprisingly well done and followed the musical really well. After the move we got our car back got a couple of things from the local store, like some tuna as we know Hessian really loves it and when we gave it to him he sniffed it but didn’t even touch it. We knew then that we had to do it. He hadn’t eaten all day and what little he did he threw up.

We took him to the same place we had take our last two kittens as we knew they were a good place for this and very respectful. We cuddled him until the end and then… I just couldn’t anymore. I bawled. My kitten, my little foreshadow, my baby, was gone and my heart was broken.

I honestly figured this was going to be the day this morning cause I bawled yesterday morning knowing he was suffering. I am happy now that he is no longer suffering though but can’t stand the loss.

On the other hand, there’s this sense of freedom now. I don’t feel like I am trapped now because of the need to take care of him. I can actually go to my roommates family for Thanksgiving next weekend now. I can go visit my mom if I wanted to and I don’t have to worry about who will be taking care of him. I won’t have to worry about cleaning up after him, of him getting into things he shouldn’t be…

And all this makes me sad too cause I hate thinking that there are benefits of losing him. If I could have more time with him where I know he wasn’t suffering then I would have gladly taken it, but I knew even if we fixed him yesterday he would have just been feeling bad again in a month or couple of months… and I couldn’t do that to him and I was just too tired to do that to myself as well.

I think we made the right decision, but I hate having doubts and hate feeling that there are benefits. This little orange baby was a huge part of my life and I will never forget him.

So this weekend we started off by planning on going to Ikea because I wanted to get a new bookcase for my bedroom as I have wanted this originally but the item that I got was just slightly too big and have moved it out to the living room which is okay but also annoying. So while we were out the roomie was like well lets get lunch and oh since we are out and I don’t want to go to a huge crowded place lets get the update on the vaccine (why I feel crappy today) so we went to Culvers got their pot roast sandwich, which is fucking amazing btw, then scheduled our vaccine appointments there. We left the Culvers went to the Walgreens on the way to Ikea, got the shots then continued on our way. While we were driving there my roommate was like… lets just go and specifically get the furniture you want and not walk the whole place cause people are annoying in that place especially on weekends. So we took a shortcut after the first escalator and took then next set back down to the box of furnitures area. I grabbed what I needed and we headed out. Also I hate how those carts at Ikea move. Anyway i got a little frustrated but ended up getting in a line and waiting forever for people to figure out how to register We then got our purchases and went home.

On the way we stopped by a local pot place. My roommate had always wondered and same with me when my boss suggested it so got the chocolate that he suggested and we got a few other items. Originally I was going to stay in the car but I really needed to piss so my roommate told me they had bathrooms so I went in. I had to stop at the front desk to get my ID scanned and the guy behind the counter complimented me on my Meows Morales (cat version of Miles Morales/Spiderman) Got inside, did the deed, got our pot and left. Then we got home and had to deal with the Ikea furniture. Fucking heavy but we eventually got it inside thanks for the roomates idea of grabbing my old chair that I use as a foot stool. We then had some amazing Italian for dinner and then yeah had one of the bites of the chocolate.

I wrote most of that to a friend while a bit buzzed from the edible. But after that I went to bed at about 10:30pm and woke up dead to the world about 7:30am. I didn’t realize until about noon that I was feeling like crap because of the vaccine booster. Ugh so I was going to try and build my bookcase today but I just couldn’t. My mind and body just would not have been able to handle that today. So yeah been relaxing most of the rest of the day since then.

Cyan

My last therapy session I talked about my self doubt and how I felt like I wasn’t good enough which prevented me from trying, or one of the many reasons that did.

I don’t actually know how to get over that.

I mean I have suffered from self-doubt since High School. The reasons I got things done then was because I had structure behind them. I had deadlines and such, which most of the time I would meet but even then my ADHD would frequently push back on and make me late for because I would remember at the last second and even then typically get a C for that, which honestly didn’t help when trying to do homework when you can do things last second and still pass.

I have tried to set personal deadlines but because they are personal they really mean little to nothing. Like “Oh well, I missed that deadline, oooops” without some stakes there’s not urgency and without urgency there is no real deadline. At the same time I don’t know if setting arbitrary deadlines would actually work for me now, even if I tried to work with them aside from above example of not. It still feels hollow. I even tried working with the whole NaNoWriMo and still couldn’t get past the start cause the deadline was still defined by me, there were no stakes.

So then how does one get out of this mentality.

I’ve tried to over plan things so at least I know where I am going in order to make it easier for me to write/create, but it usually makes it more difficult cause it’s like, well now I have to have these characters do this thing in order to get here and do this thing. That typically doesn’t flow naturally. It difficult to determine the wills of a character once you are just creating them. Maybe that would be a better option then fully develop the character so I would know what they are and how they would react, what their motivations are. Even with that though I am stuck in the weeds of character development and not of full creation.

Write a draft and then continue with that draft. I can’t ever seem to do that. I always look back and then hate the thing I just wrote. It’s no wonder I look back at my childhood and envy that guy because of their ability to just do. I have lost that along the way somewhere. Because of rejection or just indifference. With no positive feedback I have just gone into the death spiral of my own negative feedback.

Cyan

So a few years ago… I wish it were just a few years ago… I went back to colleges after being “laid off” from my previous job that I didn’t realize how much I hated until I was “laid off” from it. During this second trip to college I took classes to try and become a video game designer. Honestly I feel I am more in line with story development and took classes more in line with that but at the same time here I learned to code and learned the basics of game design and the Unity Game Engine.

Unity was a great system, free to use, easy to use, and had many tutorials on how to develop for the system. And then a couple of years ago Unity did something really stupid and made it so everyone hated them, which I honestly don’t blame them.

So lately I have been trying to learn Godot. Godot is very similar to Unity but it is open source and constantly being developed. Recently right after the Unity debacle they added support for C# which is what all of Unity is programmed in, but honestly looking at how Godot does things I think it might be slightly better in some aspects just behind due to being newer than Unity.

Anyway I have had two games that I have been wanting to make for years now.

A Steampunk inspired Metroidvania

A Tactics game inspired by Final Fantasy Tactics, which I feel is by far the best tactical RPG out there.

I don’t really want to go into too much detail about them here, I already have plenty of notes on them that constantly change when I think of something new. But I honestly think my issue really is I hesitate to start. I don’t know exactly where to begin. Well I know exactly where I begin, I’m the story guy so I come up with story and ideas on how to play and see the game, but after that point I hesitate cause I either try to do too much at once or don’t do anything beyond planning.

What normally happens to me with creative endeavors is this: I come up with an idea, plan it out, get as much detail as I can to get a good start, and then will go to the next step… and then there’s five steps. I need the art so I can see the character in the style that I am trying to learn how to program which I need tutorials for cause I don’t know how this new system deals with characters like this and oh look at this idea maybe I should change the whole story why I go play and tweek that a bit since I can’t seem to do anything programming wise…

I just exhaust myself in the planning and preplanning and the learning that I never get anything more than a few notes and a test game opened and barely started.

My therapy has been helping me feel better about myself and feel better about doing things in general but I still can’t get the drive to just continue doing, and that drive tends to make it at this point a “Well you know you aren’t going to do anything so why bother even starting, why not play that mind numbing game you like instead.”

This is honestly what I wanted therapy to help me with. I suppose I should try meditation to calm my mind, which she suggests, but I don’t know how well that will actually work for me. And those doubts are what are preventing me from doing anything.

Cyan

Recently I got a new computer thanks to my roommate. He noticed that my PC had very little hard drive space on my C drive and that I was asking for better graphics so I could play more modern games so he decided that he wanted an upgrade too and helped me create a new PC. He bought a better graphics card for himself and a bigger C drive for my PC and then transferred his older graphics card to my PC.

So far it’s been great except I had to get slightly bigger and newer monitors for my new PC, you know better graphics require better monitors. So I got those as well and set everything up. All the stuff came on a Friday so couldn’t get anything set up in time for my normal D&D game Friday nights, then also slightly interrupted my Saturday game as I figured out how the hell Windows 11 worked. But for the most part got the hang of it.

Now I’ve had the new PC for a couple of months by this point and I do love it. Windows 11 is still a pain making things that were easy in Windows 10 more complicated but for the most part it’s just something I ignore as most everything else is just that same.

I do love the new PC though and well besides just getting an upgrade the main reason that I wanted it right now was more because I got the PC version of Horizon Forbidden West with the DLC Burning Shores. Since I never got a PS5 and have no plans on doing so I figured this was so far the only real game that I wanted to get on the system and a lot of the other games I like tend to be ported over to PC anyway so why get an exclusive system. I mean the real reason I got a PS3 when they came out was because they were actually the cheapest version of a Bluray player and why bother getting one machine that can just do that when you can get a game system that can also play Bluray for the same price. PS4 was just because better quality games and at that point PC and Console still had a major separation.

But yeah so I tore through Horizon: FW and BS in fact last weekend, Sunday played through all of BS in one evening. I didn’t do a lot of the sidequests by the end and may go back but probably not since I did pass FW on the PS4. RIght now though it has inspired me to start thinking about and trying to work on my own games again… Which will be my next blog post

Cyan

So with this renewed inspiration and motivation there are some projects that I have had on the back burner that I have been wanting to do but never accomplished. So I feel if I make a list of them I would possibly push me into doing them, or at least give me something to look at as I try to figure out why I’m not doing any of them.

Learn Blender

So I have wanted to learn Blender for years now (see last post) and not sure why I haven’t. It is a complicated program and I have a weird way of learning. I learn better when someone is showing me how to do something. Basically all the tutorials in the world could help a bit but if someone is walking me through it I can get the jist of it better. Now writing this out reminds me one of my D&D friends from Fridays said she would help me learn it so I should take her up on that. (Going to message her right now to see what we can set up).

Learn Godot

With Unity… well being Unity I decided to switch game development stuff over to Godot, which honestly is fine since I never really learned Unity very well either. Unity at least had a programming language that was more well known than Godot but it does seem like Godot has some things that make it somewhat easier to use.

Develop Games

I have like five to six games always floating through my head at any given point. The one that I have been trying to make for the longest time has been a steampunk/safari inspired metroidvania but getting it from my head to physical form has been the issue. I have been finding things that can help with it constantly but actually making it is the problem. My issue is I want to do all the things at the same time. Like I want to make the levels, but oh I need to have the character designed, and have I got the art for the world sprites yet, oh hey what about baddies I need some of those. I have got the primary story done, not written out but planned out in my head, but then of course I have to write out the story as well… This is all why I never get anything of it done. I want to do it all now and want it all perfect, or at least usable until I can perfect it.

Writing

This of course leads to writing. So the first time I went to college was because I wanted to be a writer. Not a technical writer but a fiction writer. And while there I wrote a lot. One of my favorite pieces of fiction I ever wrote was while in school for a collaborative fiction website. Most of my good written work was with this website. I even got that one and another story published by a different website. I have also written a story for a second life world in which I got it published as well. I have written anything really since then. Or I have tried but I get stuck right after I start. I don’t find it good enough so I can’t continue. I continue creating the story in my head but can never get what I have in my head out. It’s quite frustrating. I need to just write like I am writing now. Just go with the flow but then that perfectionist mindset pops in as soon as I stop and then have to go correct it. Like I finally got an idea for a story that I really like the idea of and started writing and after five sentences I had to stop and rewrite. And I did… and only got three… This is what brings me joy, the act of creating yet the act of writing gets in the way. The act of putting my thoughts into words betrays me.

Taking time for myself

My therapist keeps telling me I need to take time for myself. Get to know me, without someone else connected to me. When ever I talk about doing stuff it’s always we (my roommate and I) and it’s never I. She wants me to center myself, basically. I get it. I spent too much time as a we and not enough time as a me. I don’t feel that connection to the me anymore. My job doesn’t really help. Everyday it seems like it’s just a struggle to get through anymore. When I first started it wasn’t this bad and I was working hours on end to do stuff constantly then too but now it doesn’t feel like we even get a chance to breath. And I still love the job and company but I hate work. and everything feels like it’s “capital W” Work lately, like it’s a four letter word. I want to enjoy the things I do and I don’t feel like I am enjoying what I do anymore. And when I get to that burnout point I need to make some sort of change, which is why I want to get back into the creative stuff above so I can at least enjoy what I am doing even if it is Work. Also driving to an from is killing me. Two hours of being in the car a day which makes work feel like 11 hours a day and if you need you 7 to 8 hours of sleep a day that means you have 5 to 6 hours of free time. When you are physically and mentally strained you don’t want to do shit, at least I don’t. So one hour before work to get ready they 4 to 5 hours of time spent doing nothing before bed, or well eating. No wonder I feel so burnt out, why I feel I can’t take time for myself.

I took today off because I had some issue with my car that needed to get take care of and the first thing I did after breakfast, go back to sleep. I felt like shit and certainly didn’t feel rested. I feel so much more relaxed than I would have if I went into work, even though I would have done the job that needed to be done. I just feel like I need more. I love that the people at this place treat me well like a part of the company rather than just a disposable commodity. I wish we had more time off and pay though but small company is a small company. I also don’t mind the hours. But the travel to and stress of that travel and that time I could have to do other things would be much better, yet I know I would still waste them like I currently do.

Anyway that’s what I am trying to work on now.

Cyan