So with this renewed inspiration and motivation there are some projects that I have had on the back burner that I have been wanting to do but never accomplished. So I feel if I make a list of them I would possibly push me into doing them, or at least give me something to look at as I try to figure out why I’m not doing any of them.

Learn Blender

So I have wanted to learn Blender for years now (see last post) and not sure why I haven’t. It is a complicated program and I have a weird way of learning. I learn better when someone is showing me how to do something. Basically all the tutorials in the world could help a bit but if someone is walking me through it I can get the jist of it better. Now writing this out reminds me one of my D&D friends from Fridays said she would help me learn it so I should take her up on that. (Going to message her right now to see what we can set up).

Learn Godot

With Unity… well being Unity I decided to switch game development stuff over to Godot, which honestly is fine since I never really learned Unity very well either. Unity at least had a programming language that was more well known than Godot but it does seem like Godot has some things that make it somewhat easier to use.

Develop Games

I have like five to six games always floating through my head at any given point. The one that I have been trying to make for the longest time has been a steampunk/safari inspired metroidvania but getting it from my head to physical form has been the issue. I have been finding things that can help with it constantly but actually making it is the problem. My issue is I want to do all the things at the same time. Like I want to make the levels, but oh I need to have the character designed, and have I got the art for the world sprites yet, oh hey what about baddies I need some of those. I have got the primary story done, not written out but planned out in my head, but then of course I have to write out the story as well… This is all why I never get anything of it done. I want to do it all now and want it all perfect, or at least usable until I can perfect it.

Writing

This of course leads to writing. So the first time I went to college was because I wanted to be a writer. Not a technical writer but a fiction writer. And while there I wrote a lot. One of my favorite pieces of fiction I ever wrote was while in school for a collaborative fiction website. Most of my good written work was with this website. I even got that one and another story published by a different website. I have also written a story for a second life world in which I got it published as well. I have written anything really since then. Or I have tried but I get stuck right after I start. I don’t find it good enough so I can’t continue. I continue creating the story in my head but can never get what I have in my head out. It’s quite frustrating. I need to just write like I am writing now. Just go with the flow but then that perfectionist mindset pops in as soon as I stop and then have to go correct it. Like I finally got an idea for a story that I really like the idea of and started writing and after five sentences I had to stop and rewrite. And I did… and only got three… This is what brings me joy, the act of creating yet the act of writing gets in the way. The act of putting my thoughts into words betrays me.

Taking time for myself

My therapist keeps telling me I need to take time for myself. Get to know me, without someone else connected to me. When ever I talk about doing stuff it’s always we (my roommate and I) and it’s never I. She wants me to center myself, basically. I get it. I spent too much time as a we and not enough time as a me. I don’t feel that connection to the me anymore. My job doesn’t really help. Everyday it seems like it’s just a struggle to get through anymore. When I first started it wasn’t this bad and I was working hours on end to do stuff constantly then too but now it doesn’t feel like we even get a chance to breath. And I still love the job and company but I hate work. and everything feels like it’s “capital W” Work lately, like it’s a four letter word. I want to enjoy the things I do and I don’t feel like I am enjoying what I do anymore. And when I get to that burnout point I need to make some sort of change, which is why I want to get back into the creative stuff above so I can at least enjoy what I am doing even if it is Work. Also driving to an from is killing me. Two hours of being in the car a day which makes work feel like 11 hours a day and if you need you 7 to 8 hours of sleep a day that means you have 5 to 6 hours of free time. When you are physically and mentally strained you don’t want to do shit, at least I don’t. So one hour before work to get ready they 4 to 5 hours of time spent doing nothing before bed, or well eating. No wonder I feel so burnt out, why I feel I can’t take time for myself.

I took today off because I had some issue with my car that needed to get take care of and the first thing I did after breakfast, go back to sleep. I felt like shit and certainly didn’t feel rested. I feel so much more relaxed than I would have if I went into work, even though I would have done the job that needed to be done. I just feel like I need more. I love that the people at this place treat me well like a part of the company rather than just a disposable commodity. I wish we had more time off and pay though but small company is a small company. I also don’t mind the hours. But the travel to and stress of that travel and that time I could have to do other things would be much better, yet I know I would still waste them like I currently do.

Anyway that’s what I am trying to work on now.

Cyan

So I have been wanting to learn blender for a long time, really ever since Second Life made it so you could use mesh. I haven’t really ever been one for modeling stuff but I have always loved architectural design and re-creation. Since I have been getting back into SL it’s been getting me creatively motivated again. So I had made within SL a giant brewery based on the American Brewery building in Baltimore.

I tried to create this as best as I could within the limits I had of SL and the Mesh Studio program I was using at the time to make it.

As you can see I did my best and think I nailed it pretty well but would love for it to be better, and to do that I would need to learn blender. Blender though always confused me because it difficult to say the least. SL always seems to inspire me to build things specifically in the steampunk city of New Babbage. I always find these awesome buildings that inspire me or I want to completely replicate like the brewery above and I try my hardest to do so. What makes it so easy with SL is all you have to do is produce a “prim” and then just connect them together and make primitive (because of prim amount limitations) items. With Mesh Studio you can go one step further by making more intricate items and remove those prim limitations because the mesh will remove a lot of those limitations. So more and more complicated things can be made. The sad thing this mainly moved all building from SL into other programs which honestly I feel slowed a lot of people from going into certain areas of SL. Like Babbage is a city of builders and without the builders around the role play that came with it slowly died as well.

Luckily someone started setting up events next month which has gotten me inspired once more to get into SL and back to Babbage and also learn blender. Hopefully this time I can actually learn it.

Cyan

So if you haven’t noticed I haven’t written much until lately. Honestly the only times I have felt creative is when I was around other creative people, like at school. The best thing I felt I ever wrote was over 20 years ago when I was at college the first time and working with a bunch of other creatives to make an intro to a collaborative fiction series we were setting up, which sadly didn’t go very far.

This story was born out of a post modern novel I devoured. There are some books that I “had” to read for school but when I read them it was all consuming. I think they first was Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. There was something about that story the “utopia” that was actually a dystopia. I don’t know why but I finished that book within a weekend, when we were supposed to go over the book over a week or two. The second book, which inspired my said best work, was Mao II by Don DeLillo, another dystopian post modern work. I don’t know why they clicked for me but they just did, and it’s not all works that do that as I had read White Noise as well and wasn’t as transfixed.

What came out of that was a story about a man seeped into depression wondering through his life as the head of a space station and being murdered which started a war with a new faction of aliens being found in outer space. The only most confusing part of the story would be the introduction of the alternative races and character that would come up later. I did get this story and another published in college those many years ago, but the way they were published was slightly different. This was when online sites were more like submitting to a magazine so you know actual contact and payment for them using my art, which was very nice. The other thing it was a voice reading of my stories, which was awesome but the website was lost over the years sadly and the recordings from that are no where to be found and I really would love to have a copy of those. I have another piece published for a short story series based on a section based in Second Life which was also pretty cool.

But lately I just stopped. The closest I have gotten would be to play D&D with friends during the weekends. I’ve tried to write things but no. Like maybe writing a paragraph or two starting something and never going forward with it, but the motivation died.

Now the motivation is back just hard to once more find the inspiration. Luckily the place that I enjoy on Second Life is seeming to have a resurgence so hopefully with that I will gain the inspiration to match my newfound motivation as well.

Cyan

So if you don’t know me I tend to have very surreal dreams, and I revel in them. I love having weird things happen to even a point where sometimes I realize I’m in a dream and just like cool anyway lets see where this goes. It’s rare that I have nightmares anymore though they still occur and of course most dreams I still don’t remember but I do remember a lot of my dreams.

Lately a lot of my dreams center on this conglomeration of Target/Kmart/Grocery mega store, the last few times which seemed to just be outside in the middle of a cityscape. Multiple times I was worried about work and then realized that I don’t work in those places (never worked in grocery stores before).

I do love how the mind just grabs things from every place and melds them together to get so weird amalgamation of something familiar. I have many times walked through endless bathrooms, or malls, had houses that defy physics and logic, go for a drive in a car to sudden no longer be in a car and just walking around. I even love the perspective change, sometimes being in first person, sometimes in third.

I honestly never put much thought into what my dreams meant because they were so surreal. Most people that I know who remembers their dreams seem to have “normal” dreams. And it’s funny I have dreams from when I was much younger I can remember over things I was told yesterday. Like there was a time I was at the local mall and saw the Ninja Turtles being chased by Shredder. Or I was out in the woods during a storm with tornadoes in the horizon and the Smurfs led me into a giant warehouse, kind-of like the one from Indiana Jones. There was a series of dreams that I seemed to have that I constantly had and then realized one time they were all connected and after that stopped having those specific ones altogether.

Anyway just wanted to post about that :3 Laters

Cyan

So I was feeling pretty good about myself. My creativity was coming back, I was feeling good about life and things again… So of course that’s when life decides oh you finished all those lemons here’s a truckload more.

My roommate/best friend/family works for a company that he knew was basically going to sell to other companies. We honestly weren’t expecting it anytime soon, though they did give him a bonus to stay on for a year so we knew within that timeline probably. What we didn’t know is that the way they’d sell would basically make his job and probably many others just gone. The company is looking to piece meal their sale of the company, which means they make all the money and leave shit for everyone else. I honestly think we will be fine as my roommate is very good at his job and has loads of experience as he has done this for so long, but he doesn’t have any college education which might hinder his chances. So yeah we’re both a little worried.

What I really hate though is I was starting to feel good again, starting to get out of this funk of depression and the world is like… nope you need to stay there. And you know what FUCK THAT! I am so tired of being negative, I’m so tired of feeling nothing, doing nothing. I want to live again.

So world fuck you I won’t. I’m not going to give into the negativity this time. I am going to think positively and I’m going to start to do stuff that I enjoy again, and not just watching videos and staying at home.

Anyway YEAAAAHHHHHH fun fun.

I think I’m going to try and write something now… well maybe not right now but this weekend.

Cyan

Well I guess I should update this thing *blows off the dust*

So I have been going to therapy lately and my therapist suggested maybe I should journal again so I thought I would. As this was always really just for me anyway I thought why not here.

I’ve of course been feeling a bit depressed lately but right now after session and tasty Indian dinner I actually feel pretty good. And honestly I need to start focusing on the good more often. I found that I always looked on the bad side of things previously. As one of my favorite movies stated (though not in the top five XD) I was feeding the wrong wolf… I need to watch that movie again.

So I guess I wanted to post things I appreciate, like my current job, which is great, now if the transit were shorter it would be much much better. My great friends which I need to contact more often. My amazing roommate. My lovely little old kitten. Thinking about it… myself even. I mean I do wish to be a lot lighter in weight but I do kind-of like the person I’ve become. I wish to do more but I always love change and growth… sometimes I just love comfort a bit too much though.

So to catch up. I graduated… and did nothing with my game design degree XD… I’m still working on it. I got a job working for an online retailer which I really like. They take my advice and treat me like a human being and not a tool. I’ve helped them come up with a few things too which I gloat about all the time XD

One of my best friends came out as trans to me… that shook my world for a bit. They were extremely masculine presenting so it took me by surprised and even questioned myself for a bit. I am still a guy though. Other than that still living one day at a time… and I want to try and make that time a little bit better from now on if I can. Maybe do the things I’ve always dreamed about… I just need to do.

Anyway that’s all for this update right now. Hopefully update more soon.

Cyan

I am so frustrated with myself right now. One of my teachers,  who is helping me a lot to basically assert myself, asked if realizing that my fears were keeping me down helped me to start writing and other things again and I just gave him a lame excuse… I am totally beating myself up about it. I shouldn’t let my fears rule my life. Also I should have stayed today after class with the indie group and helped out instead of running off to get a haircut.

Other things… my dreams have been very active and weird lately. The other night I had a dream that basically was me considering suicide… WTF brain. Also why do all my dreams tend to be in places in my past. This one was in my old home in Cincinnati. Then another one that same day was with my dad…

I think my anxiety is getting to me and I know what I did today has really hit the anxiety button for me.

Found this list online still need to edit it to fit for me (take out the girly stuff basically) but most of it fits just perfectly so I thought I would post it. Will probably edit this post to reflect my full version later.

• Help me tie my shoes
• Wash my hair in the bath
• Pet me
• Pick out my clothes
• Pull me into your lap
• Get my paci if you notice me chewing my lip
• Cuddle me
• Make me giggle
• Use my little dishes for a meal
• Bring me a drink in a sippy cup
• Stick a crazy straw in my drink
• Hold my hand in public
• Order for me at a restaurant
• Drive me places (and pick me up)
• Go to my doctor’s appointments with me
• Help me make tough choices
• Let me fall asleep on you
• Ask me to help you with things
• Tell me when I’m a good girl
• Tell me if I make you proud
• Take care of me when I’m sick
• Remind me to take my medicine
• Suggest naptime, especially if I’m crabby
• Read to me
• Ask me about my favorite things; tell me about yours
• Whisper secrets to me
• Teach me new things
• Remember my plushies’ names
• Ask about my plushies and toys
• Tuck me in at night
• Remind me of bedtime
• Ask if I remembered to do things
• Kiss the top of my head or forehead
• Color with me
• Check for mean-monsters
• Listen to my excited-babbles
• Play pretend with me
• Take me to a park
• Push me on the swings
• Let me pick the movie
• Tell me I’m cute/adorable
• Kiss my owies
• Use awesome band-aids
• Surprise me
• Get me little gifts
• Set up a bubble bath
• Let me draw a tiny heart on you
• Check on my planner
• Make music with me
• Pick my jammies
• Cook with me
• Take me to the zoo
• Take me to the library
• Plan and go on a picnic
• Take a walk with me
• Take me stargazing
• Visit a museum with me
• Paint my toenails
• Make sure I have something to cuddle
• Invite me to a tea party
• Ask about my imaginary friends
• Plan a themed date night
• Play board games with me
• Play video games with me (or watch me play them)
• Do arts and crafts with me
• Give me candy/sweets
• Make me hot cocoa with marshmallows
• Blanket. Forts.
• Show me a place I’ve never seen before
• Whisper “shhh” in my ear when I’m upset
• Wipe away my tears
• Take me to see a kiddy movie in the theater
• Sing with me when I break out into song
• Call me “princess,” “little one,” “kitten,” “bunny,” “girl,” or “doll”
• Appreciate little gifts I make/give you
• Make a funny face at me in public
• Scoop me up princess-style
• Watch cartoons with me
• Make me a healthy snack
• Make a meal of special little foods
• Give me an allowance
• Have me complete chores
• Remind me to wash my hands before I eat
• Get things from places I can’t reach
• Rub my tummy when it hurts
• Start a pillow fight
• Shoot me with a water gun or nerf gun
• Quote from my favorite books and movies
• Ask me silly questions
• Try to win me a prize
• Take me somewhere I need to dress up to go to
• Ruffle my hair
• Boop my nose if my emotions are getting too intense
• Let me wear your t-shirt/hoodie
• Write a note and leave it somewhere for me to find
• Congratulate me for doing something difficult
• Start my sleepy music at night
• Take me to an amusement park
• Take selfies/photobooth pictures with me
• Make a pinky promise with me

1. Work on video game
   1. Learn Unity better
   2. Learn Blender
2. Eat better, figure out what I should be eating for breakfast/lunch/dinner when I am home rather than ordering crap for delivery
3. Exercise
4. Write
5. Enjoy life
6. Just do it!

So if you haven’t figure out from above list I have been lazy again. I suppose I have a right to be but in the end I need to stop it.

My roommate asked if I was depressed and I said “I don’t think so”. I mean really I’m not sure. I’m not overly happy but I don’t think I am depressed, I’m just trying to get to the next phase in my life, have been trying to get there for a very long time. I keep running my gears but nothing is grabbing to spokes. I really didn’t want this to be a whiney journal entry but it seems like that’s all I can write so might as well get it out. Work is trying, as always. It’s retail work and I don’t expect miracles or anything but do expect at least that they would appreciate their employees and not treat them like disposable assets. I mean you can just tell that they are cutting hours so they don’t have to pay insurance fees, which personally their insurance offerings sucked anyway so I like “Obamacare” better. My tooth has been giving me issues (falling out, getting fixed, insurance not covering it so paying out of pocket, not being able to find the last bit of money to get it finished) so have been worrying about that. You know it’s stuff like this that makes me not want to go to the doctor/dentist in the first place. We have insurance for a reason and then they don’t pay for anything it’s like a slap in the face. Why bother paying them anything then if they won’t cover anything?

…

Not what I wanted to do, so anyway…

I’m doing okay I think I just need to work harder. I think going back to school has been the best thing in the world for me. It has showed me that I need to work in order to improve and need to get back into life instead of sitting in the sidelines. I just need to realize while the sidelines and nice and comfy and life is hard it’s better to live life that watch it coast by me. Slow and steady wins the race but not trying and you automatically lose.

Recently I have purchased a number of new things for myself. One was a Wii U because of upcoming and current games and another =, which I am using now =, is a keyboard for my ipad.I’ve never really used my ipad for much and have never really wanted to do much websurfing or that much game playing on it so figured it would be the perfect tool for writing. So now I sit here clicking away on my cute new little keyboard that I got for cheap on amazon. Hopefully this will help me write more when I am out.